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Personal Life Change isn't Changing Our Person
Life change is a misnomer. In place of the word change the searcher of personal truth needs to move toward greater openness in the world and have less concern with focus upon self and the burdens of self attachment. Here we will discuss what that means in the context of the fallacy of finding self. As always your comments are appreciated.
One of the most oft asked questions in group or personal sessions is "Doc, how do I change?" Sometimes it is phrased as, "I don't know how to change or I don't know if I can change," but these questions always point toward a common fallacy; namely, that change is seen as the movement from one character or person to another person that is inwardly experienced as foreign and uncertain. The bottom line is that people do not change. Rather with self development we become more open and flexible. This is closer to a felt sense of who we are. This statement may seem outrageous to the masses of health practitioners and change consultants but when it comes to personal change it is a misnomer.
We can never be other than who we are and this is the central premise that must truly be appreciated. We are who we are only in any one particular moment. We are not a static condition. From a Buddhist philosophy, one could say our person is becoming not the more common sense of we are being. So what does it mean when a person exclaims, "I don't know who I am," other than they are indirectly saying I am not aware of my person in the moment or more directly, I do not want to see my choices and I don't want to open up to this experienced world being a result of my choices. At this point, feelings and self image will head in opposite directions. Who we are is our awareness of the contact we are making with the world we are immersed in. We are our experience of the moment. When our experience confronts a foreign moment it screams out an alarm by proclaiming, "Help, this is not who I am."
Now of course there are a lot of people who hold their worlds impressively constant both in unhealthy ways and also in ways that bode courageous determination. That said, a strong indicator of health is a person's flexibility of character. This paradox is a simple one to appreciate in that the more we are open the less need one has to focus on self. The more limited our perceptions of self, the more we control our experiences to a limited world view the more self absorbed we become. A self absorbed person needs to check in often as to how they are doing.
Before you think I am cooking up a marvelous plate of minced words realize that when an individual decides they cannot be what is required in order to be happy, content or peaceful in any particular moment, then they have unconsciously decided they are more comfortable with the certainty of the known struggle and suffering. As an example, I am sure everyone knows somebody they would think of as being a rigid person. They only eat particular foods, shop every Tuesday night at 7:00 pm, go to bed at 10:30 sharp and have regular routines across the whole smorgasbord of living. Under circumstances of a controlled environment no one can tell this individual they are choosing ill-health. Indeed the issue is irrelevant. What happens when this person's significant other wants variety in living, friends begin to chastise for being a stick in the mud or work demands overtime on shopping night. Simply stated, the rigid individual begins to either experience anger or anxiety. Their world has now become less contained and predictable. If we hypothetically escalate these issues to the point that this person's mate is ready to leave them and work is increasingly demanding and friends are dropping like flies then the out of sync condition with the world requires the pressure of choosing. The resulting inner turmoil may force the person to question their life strategies and therefore how they choose to interact with the world may alter but they are indeed the same person. This is not a play with words but a crucial understanding that helps to see the need for greater flexibility. They may indeed choose to hold tight but the consequences are potentially devastating because of the social isolation and the continual inner need to fend off anxiety.
Our social world teaches us to be predictable, in charge, seek the right careers and hold to a stable life path. Our life transitions of birthdays, anniversaries, special days, etc., are staged celebrations that help to cement the social order but that has nothing to do with the reality of personal experience. I can not count the number of people I have met that question their growing unhappiness even though they say, "But I don't understand it. I have a great husband, I love my children and my job is truly rewarding. How can I still be unhappy?" What they don't realize is that their unhappiness is with the false illusion of their very stability. Their inner person knows that 'the who' they have spent so many years developing strategically is splintered from the freshness, vitality and depth of openness within that wants to expand outward into the world.
In summary, we need to get away from notions of change and move toward a sense of greater openness. Self development is not what we are learning to leave behind but instead is learning to forge a vital life path, rich with contact with the moments of our experience. Our happiness in living is not in explaining it and finding meaning but in being fully alive with the mystery of human contact.
We can never be other than who we are and this is the central premise that must truly be appreciated. We are who we are only in any one particular moment. We are not a static condition. From a Buddhist philosophy, one could say our person is becoming not the more common sense of we are being. So what does it mean when a person exclaims, "I don't know who I am," other than they are indirectly saying I am not aware of my person in the moment or more directly, I do not want to see my choices and I don't want to open up to this experienced world being a result of my choices. At this point, feelings and self image will head in opposite directions. Who we are is our awareness of the contact we are making with the world we are immersed in. We are our experience of the moment. When our experience confronts a foreign moment it screams out an alarm by proclaiming, "Help, this is not who I am."
Now of course there are a lot of people who hold their worlds impressively constant both in unhealthy ways and also in ways that bode courageous determination. That said, a strong indicator of health is a person's flexibility of character. This paradox is a simple one to appreciate in that the more we are open the less need one has to focus on self. The more limited our perceptions of self, the more we control our experiences to a limited world view the more self absorbed we become. A self absorbed person needs to check in often as to how they are doing.
Before you think I am cooking up a marvelous plate of minced words realize that when an individual decides they cannot be what is required in order to be happy, content or peaceful in any particular moment, then they have unconsciously decided they are more comfortable with the certainty of the known struggle and suffering. As an example, I am sure everyone knows somebody they would think of as being a rigid person. They only eat particular foods, shop every Tuesday night at 7:00 pm, go to bed at 10:30 sharp and have regular routines across the whole smorgasbord of living. Under circumstances of a controlled environment no one can tell this individual they are choosing ill-health. Indeed the issue is irrelevant. What happens when this person's significant other wants variety in living, friends begin to chastise for being a stick in the mud or work demands overtime on shopping night. Simply stated, the rigid individual begins to either experience anger or anxiety. Their world has now become less contained and predictable. If we hypothetically escalate these issues to the point that this person's mate is ready to leave them and work is increasingly demanding and friends are dropping like flies then the out of sync condition with the world requires the pressure of choosing. The resulting inner turmoil may force the person to question their life strategies and therefore how they choose to interact with the world may alter but they are indeed the same person. This is not a play with words but a crucial understanding that helps to see the need for greater flexibility. They may indeed choose to hold tight but the consequences are potentially devastating because of the social isolation and the continual inner need to fend off anxiety.
Our social world teaches us to be predictable, in charge, seek the right careers and hold to a stable life path. Our life transitions of birthdays, anniversaries, special days, etc., are staged celebrations that help to cement the social order but that has nothing to do with the reality of personal experience. I can not count the number of people I have met that question their growing unhappiness even though they say, "But I don't understand it. I have a great husband, I love my children and my job is truly rewarding. How can I still be unhappy?" What they don't realize is that their unhappiness is with the false illusion of their very stability. Their inner person knows that 'the who' they have spent so many years developing strategically is splintered from the freshness, vitality and depth of openness within that wants to expand outward into the world.
In summary, we need to get away from notions of change and move toward a sense of greater openness. Self development is not what we are learning to leave behind but instead is learning to forge a vital life path, rich with contact with the moments of our experience. Our happiness in living is not in explaining it and finding meaning but in being fully alive with the mystery of human contact.